Gratitude Deep Dive
Toxic Gratitude Is Harming Your Wellbeing — How to Spot it and Detox it.
It’s very very sneaky, but knowledge is power.
Gratitude is often sold as a magical cure-all for anything that ails you. But as I’ve talked about previously — the science isn’t really all that clear.
One thing that most researchers would agree on is that people seem to enjoy gratitude interventions. They find enjoyment in the activity itself and that provides a boost to wellbeing. But is that boost enough to unlock all the benefits associated with gratitude?
It doesn’t really seem likely, but we can’t say for certain because not much attention has been paid to understanding exactly what is happening when we cultivate gratitude, and even less to what type of gratitude is being cultivated.
Wait…there is more than one ‘type’ of gratitude?
While doing the gratitude journal exercise I have noticed that it can be challenging to connect with my gratitude without slipping into what Charles Shelton (2010) identified as ‘quasi-gratitude’. Shelton was a leading gratitude scholar, psychologist, and Jesuit priest who wrote The Gratitude Factor: Enhancing your life through grateful living. In it, he warns of the dangers of 7 types of quasi-gratitude and 3 types of harmful gratitude;
I genuinely think that he undersold the negative impacts of quasi-gratitude. He describes them as ‘morally neutral’, which may be true objectively, but when we aim to cultivate gratitude and reap the benefits of a gratitude practice the impacts are anything but neutral.
The insidiousness of toxic gratitude is not immediately evident. It is slow and subtle as it draws you further and further away from your grateful intentions. Like a Cowbird laying her eggs in the nests of other birds — when we cultivate these types of gratitude we do so with the promise of hatching all the documented benefits of gratitude and instead end up with another birds chicks (or in the case of gratitude; guilt, anger, shame, fear, etc).
So how do we learn to spot these toxic forms and detoxify our gratitude practice? Like the Cowbirds eggs, toxic gratitude looks like and sounds like true gratitude. Toxic gratitude is incredibly sneaky, but with awareness and knowledge, you can learn to spot them before they wreak havoc on your wellbeing.
What Is Gratitude Anyway?
Psychologists make a differentiation between state gratitude and trait gratitude. State gratitude is what happens in a single moment in time, it’s the act of gratitude itself — DOing gratitude. Trait gratitude is deeper than state gratitude, it is the lens through which individuals view the world — BEing gratitude.
The relationship between DOing and BEing is complex and deeply intertwined. When we are aiming to unlock the benefits of gratitude what we want is to cultivate trait gratitude, we want to drape ourselves in Rumi’s cloak. We achieve this through various acts of state gratitude, every time we DO gratitude it helps to shift us closer to BEing gratitude. The more we become gratitude the more our actions become grateful ones and the cycle grows upon itself.
But is this actually what happens? Do I just have to run around thanking everyone I know or repeatedly writing their names alongside ‘coffee’ and ‘naps’ in my gratitude journal? Why do I not feel the benefits of gratitude despite DOing all the gratitude things?
Enter toxic gratitude.
When we unknowingly slip into DOing these forms of gratitude (and it is incredibly easy to do), we think that we are lovingly tending to our own gratitude eggs only to hatch a bunch of Cowbirds.
Spotting and Detoxing Toxic Gratitude
- Shallow Gratitude
Spot it: There are two versions of shallow gratitude. The first is when we express our gratitude because that is the expectation. This really reminds me of polite thank yous. There is nothing necessarily untoward about this type of gratitude, but saying thank you to be polite isn’t the same as expressing true gratitude for an action. Saying thank you in this way can often become an automatic action done without thought. We may think that because we often express thanks in this way that we are grateful people, but unless we connect it deeper we won’t experience the benefits that gratitude can offer.
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Detoxify it: Take some time to reflect on what it would be like to never have anyone perform the small tasks you politely thank others for. What if no one ever held the door for you again? What if you could never have a waiter serve you, or a chef cook for you? How would that impact you?
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Spot it: The second version of shallow gratitude is when we thank so many people that it dilutes the meaning behind the gratitude, even if we really mean it. The music is playing the credits are rolling and you are still onstage thanking your best friend from kindergarten’s cousin. You may be genuinely grateful to that person, but when they are one on a long list it isn’t as meaningful, to them or you.
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Detoxify it: Instead of big public proclamations of gratitude, try the Gratitude Letter. This takes it from public and shallow to personal and deep right away. If you happen to be nominated for an award (academy or otherwise) consider notes of gratitude to those whom you would want to thank regardless of whether you win or not. That way you’ve pre-thanked them and don’t have to worry during your speech. - Reluctant Gratitude
Spot it: This type of gratitude is also born out of politeness and occurs when someone does something for you that you would have rather done for yourself. It’s the thanks you offer when someone holds the door for you, forcing you to sprint to keep them from waiting. It’s the shovelling battle you get in with your neighbour each winter, getting up ever earlier to ‘pay them back’ for shovelling your walk the day before. Or the now dreaded ‘pay it backward’ drive-thru. The indebtedness we feel when this happens taints not only our gratitude experience — but the act of kindness itself.
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Detoxify it: Random acts of kindness are part of what makes living in community such a wonderful experience. Do we want to get rid of these acts, just because they make us feel slightly indebted? Heck no!! We do however want to amplify the benefits and alleviate those uncomfortable feelings, especially if we are trying to cultivate gratitude.
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Reflect on a time when you have been the ‘giver’ of a random act of kindness. Think about what your intent was with that act, is it possible that the recipient of that act was left feeling indebted to you? Was that your intent?
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Now think of a time when you were the recipient of a random act of kindness that left you feeling indebted and reluctantly grateful. Was this the intent of the giver? What happens when you separate your indebted feelings from the act itself? Is it possible to sit in gratitude and release yourself from an imagined debt? - Self-Serving Gratitude
Spot it: This one might be easier to spot in others than in ourselves. Have you ever had someone recognize your efforts on something and then immediately follow it up with a request for something else? Self-serving gratitude shows up when gratitude is expressed as a way to get something from someone else. It can often be used as a ‘soft open’ to more challenging conversations, or as a way to win the favour of someone in a position of authority.
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Detoxify it: Just because something is easier to spot in others doesn’t mean that we don’t also do it. Reflect on a time when you have used an expression of gratitude as a way to get something else. On reflection is there another way you could have accomplished your goal?
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Be mindful of the next time you feel yourself wanting to express gratitude in a situation like this. Can you separate genuine gratitude from self-serving? - Defensive Gratitude
Spot it: The toxicity of this type of gratitude lies less in the expression of gratitude itself and more in the situation in which it is expressed. There are some situations where defensive gratitude is used to avoid hurting someone else’s feelings. We thank our grandmother for the gift of a doll despite it being our 30th birthday and not our 3rd. In its more nefarious form, defensive gratitude is often deployed in therapy sessions to avoid discussing more negatively charged topics. And in its worst form, it is used to calm an abusive individual to avoid an outburst.
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Detoxify it: If you find yourself in a situation where you are using this form of gratitude to calm an abusive individual please don’t feel like you need to stop. Please do whatever you need to keep yourself safe until you can leave safely.
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Reflect on ways that you use gratitude to avoid uncomfortable feelings. Is it possible to separate your gratitude from these feelings? Humans are complex and can feel several things at the same time. Think about one of these complicated situations and write about each feeling separately. - Mixed Gratitude
Spot it: This type of gratitude is one of the most natural for us humans. Mixed gratitude happens when we are grateful that another's misfortune is not our own. When another person trips in front of us we can feel both concern for them, and also gratitude that it wasn’t us that fell. Likewise in a round of layoffs, we can be upset that our colleagues have been let go, and also grateful that we weren’t. Mixed gratitude is natural — but it is toxic because it is mixed with guilt. This one starts early for a lot of us. We are told to be grateful for our food because not everyone can eat. I have found mixed gratitude to be the one that comes up most often for me as I write in my gratitude journal. Can I feel gratitude for having a roof over my head, without feeling bad that others don’t? What if that guilt motivates me to donate to a homeless shelter or to become an advocate? It’s that motivation factor that hides the toxicity of mixed gratitude. Acting out of a desire to alleviate guilt vs. acting in line with our values changes the internal outcomes, even if the external behaviour is the same.
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There is a subtle but important shift here and it's the difference between being self-centred and being centred-in-self. When we express our gratitude in a way that compares our situation to another we are viewing their experience through our lens — we are centring ourselves within their experience. When we do this we feel uncomfortable feelings of guilt and we take actions to alleviate these feelings. Expressing gratitude in this way feels ‘good’ because it takes those uncomfortable feelings away. Even if we take that a step further and take action to end homelessness the motivation for this action dissipates along with our guilt.
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If we move towards being centred-in-self then we are grateful for what we have because it is connected to something deeper within us — our values. I am grateful to have a roof over my head because I believe that it is a fundamental human right. I deeply value what it means to be housed as a winter storm rages on. Sitting in gratitude in this way feels like plugging into my own energy source and that abundance of energy motivates me to work towards ending homelessness. Each action, in this case, is self-sustaining as opposed to self-extinguishing.
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Detoxify it: Because this type of gratitude comes so naturally to us, we can often only catch it upon reflection. If you find yourself burning out of an activity or career that you find meaningful — it is worth a check-in with your gratitude.
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Reflect on something that you are grateful for that comes with a side of guilt. As you reflect on what you are grateful for try to take it one level deeper. Try framing what you are grateful for in the language of what you value. (If you need help figuring out what you value check out Brené Brown's values list and try narrowing it down to a top 3)
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As a bonus, brainstorm some values-led activities that can help you put your gratitude into action. - Misperceived Gratitude
Spot it: This type of gratitude happens when we attribute more meaning to someone's actions than they had intended. If we happen to find ourselves in a particularly vulnerable state, a simple act of kindness can impact us dramatically. If you are lonely and someone invites you to play golf you may feel deeply grateful to them — even if they really just needed a 4th body. The challenge with this type of gratitude is that we often ascribe good feelings and good intentions to the individual as opposed to the activity itself. When we are in that low of an emotional state we can give other people the power to dramatically impact our wellbeing positively or negatively, without them ever being aware of it.
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Detoxify it: Think about a time in your life when you experienced a small act of kindness that had a greater impact on you than anyone else could have known. As you recall the experience, write about it as a catalyst for positive actions that you took to build upon that moment. Write a gratitude letter to the individual who sparked the change letting them know what it meant to you at the time, and how you have changed since. - Misplaced Gratitude
Spot it: Sometimes we are just lucky. Luck is something to be enjoyed for the random awesome joy it brings into our lives. We don’t really have any ‘one’ to give our thanks to. Some people will lean into their spirituality and thank God or the Universe, but honestly, sometimes it's nice just to enjoy something for what it is and nothing more.
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Detoxify it: Take some time to reflect on times when you have been lucky and compare them to times when you have been grateful to someone for something they have intentionally done for you. Is there a difference in how it felt? Did it impact you differently?
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These last three types of toxic gratitude are far more explicitly harmful. - Hurtful Gratitude
Spot it: Hurtful gratitude is gratitude that is expressed out of a place of pain. This usually happens when there is malicious intent from the gift giver themselves. Some people will give an overly expensive gift to rub it in the face of the recipient or those witnessing the gift-giving. Some people give gifts with the intent of embarrassing the gift recipient. Gratitude in this instance is expressed as a way to move through a painful experience at the moment.
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Detoxify it: We can’t control what other people do. Unfortunately, this means that we occasionally have to deal with the internal repercussions of their actions. Reflect on a time when someone has given a gift that was painful to receive. How did you react at the moment? Did this change your perception or relationship with that person? Do you need to practice some self-compassion around expressing gratitude?
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If you are fortunate enough to have never had this experience (and hopefully you never do), use this opportunity to reflect on your own gift-giving. Be mindful of the intent behind your gifts and the impacts they have on the recipient. - Deviant Gratitude
Spot it: Are you grateful to someone helping you get away with something that is either illegal or morally reprehensible? Gratitude for our accomplices can be one of the reasons that we stay in toxic relationships.
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Detoxify it: Stop doing bad shiz and stop helping people get away with bad shiz. If you have ever had someone act oppositely — someone who stopped you from doing something wrong, write them a gratitude letter instead. You may not have been able to express it at the time, or maybe you even expressed the exact opposite. It is never too late to thank someone! - Malignant gratitude
Spot it: Are you the leader of a cult, a powerful political party, or the abuser in an abusive relationship? Anything that you are grateful for that has enabled you to inflict great harm on others is toxic.
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Detoxify it: If you are this type of person and you are somehow reading this — let’s talk there may be help for you yet.
Wrapping it up
Gratitude is often sold as a magical cure-all for everything that ails us — but that doesn’t mean that all forms of gratitude are equally capable of getting us there. If something seems off about your gratitude practice take a minute and look at what gratitude you’ve been cultivating. You might be surprised to find a nest full of Cowbirds.
References
Shelton, C. M. (2010). The gratitude factor: Enhancing your life through grateful living. New Jersey: Hidden Spring (Paulist Press).
