Sustainable Wellbeing
Great Expectations — Why Letting Go of Expectations May Leave You Disappointed
There’s more to the story than just ‘letting go’
After my rearview mirror moment (see part 1) I knew that I needed to change — that in order to move closer to being a person that I liked I would have to start doing things differently. I didn’t know how much of what I was experiencing was a direct result of my own expectations and how difficult they would be to let go of.
Happiness is reality minus expectations — Tom Magliozzi
When you set out on a journey to liking yourself you get hit with a LOT of sickeningly simplistic platitudes. This one in particular made my left eye twitch more than any of the others. My expectations were mainly centred around my career, my parenting, and my relationships, not really areas that I was willing to compromise on. The last time I was told to lower my expectations it was the eHarmony algorithm, letting me know that if I wanted more matches I needed to change my criteria. I didn’t take the advice then because my goal wasn’t more matches, my goal was the match. The thought of lowering them now was equally as unappealing. Yes, I wanted to enjoy my own company more — but did that mean settling for less?
The problem with good sound bites is that they not only sound good, they feel true. I knew that if I was able to separate myself from expectations I would be spared the pain, disappointment, shame, frustration and anger we feel when expectations aren’t met. But is the absence of uncomfortable feelings happiness?
What about when expectations are met, or even exceeded?
Separating from our expectations also prevents us from experiencing the thrill, pride, joy, and happiness when we or others meet or exceed expectations. Was I willing to sacrifice the possibility of exceeding expectations to avoid the possibility of uncomfortable feelings?
It probably should have been an easier choice — part of why I didn’t like myself was because I was grumpy all the time. I was grumpy all the time because I was coming up short against my expectations on all fronts. But the thought of letting go of all my expectations made me feel anxious and demotivated — was that my choice? Hold onto expectation and be grumpy or let go and be happy but anxious and frustrated?
Perhaps the quote should be:
Happiness is reality minus certain expectations
Hmm not quite as catchy.
But how do we know which expectations to let go of and which to retain? Expectations are focused on a future state involving an event, other people, ourselves, or a combination of all three. Unfortunately for us, the future, external events, and other people are all out of our control and possible outcomes can be endless and/or uncertain. Our brains are averse to uncertainty and therefore try to guess what might happen, how we or another person might behave, based on our past experiences. These guesses become our expectations.
Expectations allow our brain to work as quickly and efficiently as possible — but it’s also where we lose a lot of our accuracy. That’s because accuracy isn’t the primary goal. Yes, our brains want to be accurate, but they want to be fast and efficient first. Except for in extreme cases expectations being right or wrong simply present an opportunity for the logical part of our brains to learn and grow, to make a better guess next time.
It's the emotional part of our brain that has a harder time dealing with the consequences of a ‘bad’ guess. And the more value we place on the outcomes of an event, another person, or ourselves — the bigger the impact.
So where does that leave us?
I know where it left me — confused. How could I reap the benefits of letting go of expectations, without overriding my own brain function, and without losing motivation and thus being constantly anxious?
We reframe expectations as intentions.
Where expectations are future and outcome-focused, intentions are future and process-focused. If we plant a seed with the expectation of it becoming a plant it may or may not happen. However, if we plant a seed with the intention of growing a plant we are taking ownership of the elements that we can control. We bring awareness to the soil, the amount of sunlight, the amount of water, and what we feed it. We take control of what we can, while still acknowledging an element of uncertainty.
While it seems like a simple shift in language, for me it came with an important shift in perspective. Changing my perspective on expectations and intentions opened a path forward, and allowed me to do the impossible — let go.
I let go of the short-term outcomes that come with expectations and focused on the longer-term implications of intentions. This allowed me to step back and take in a broader perspective. It allowed my circumstances to be ‘for now’ and not ‘forever’, it allowed me to move forward.
But, how did I identify my intentions?
I had to reconnect with my values — the much-talked-about ‘Why’ factor. More about that next week, as I continue to explore the skills I used on my journey from being a person I disliked to one that I love and respect.
In the meantime, I would love to hear from all of you! What do you think about the difference between expectations and intentions? Have you found it difficult to ‘let go’?
