Ferocious Humanity
When Self-reflection Gets Ugly
What If You Don’t Like Who You Meet?
It’s a funny thing, meeting yourself. We tend to think that we know ourselves pretty well, after all, who could know us better? The truth is that sometimes we get so caught up in the living of our lives, the experiencing self, that we lose track of who we are and where we were meant to be heading in the first place. It can often take something extraordinary, the end of a relationship, the loss of a loved one, an overdose, or a global pandemic, to force us into meeting ourselves again for the very first time.
It can take something extraordinary, but it doesn’t have to. I have met myself a few different times on my life’s journey; in the long silent periods when travelling alone, in a brutal truth revealed working in rural South Africa, and most recently while driving home from work. That last one doesn’t sound as dramatic as the others, and perhaps that’s what made it one of the more impactful meetings. The mundaneness of the moment hid the powerful shift that was to come.
I was sitting in traffic, behind a vehicle that I had just finished raging at for what I am sure was an egregious transgression, (like cutting me off or not running an amber light), and I caught a glimpse of myself in my rearview mirror. The look on my face matched the vitriolic thoughts running through my mind. I saw the furrowed brow, the pursed lips, the flushed cheeks, and I realized I didn’t like who I was seeing. She was not a person that I would like to meet or someone that I would choose to spend any amount of time with.
But I didn’t have a choice, like ourselves or not, we are stuck with ourselves for life. I could either continue to be the person I disliked, feeling trapped in my life, restlessly dreaming of something different — or I could change.
Spoiler Alert: I chose to change.
Over the past year, a lot of us have had similar rearview mirror moments. We’ve caught glimpses of ourselves, our lives, and our society, and been caught off guard by who and what we are seeing. If you are like me and this realization has left you feeling overwhelmed, disoriented, and disheartened, then I am here to offer hope, and actionable tools, for a different future.
Reflecting on that moment today, I don’t recognize the angry-eyed person glaring at me from the rearview mirror. I don’t recognize her, but I remember what it felt like to meet her. The realization that I had become someone that I didn’t like hit hard and it hit deep. For a while, things got worse. It wasn’t as if I suddenly woke up the next morning and became a whole new likeable version of myself. The years since have been a chaotic mess of good and bad decisions, fractured and strengthened relationships, successes, failures, but it all has resulted in a version of myself that I not only like, but love and respect. If I’m honest — I’ve had a few moments of meeting myself and making changes. That’s what self-reflection does, it gives us opportunities to change.
It’s always our choice to take take these opportunities.
These gut-check moments of self-reflection can derail us, or they can act as a powerful catalyst for change. Moving towards change isn’t easy, but it is worth it. Thankfully there are people out there who have spent their careers developing tools to make the journey a little more tolerable.
One that I found to be especially helpful is — Self-Compassion.
Practicing Self-compassion
Finding out that you don’t really like the person that you have become, sucks. It is painful and uncomfortable, and in general we humans do whatever we can to avoid feeling pain and discomfort. Avoidance can bring short-term relief — but that relief prevents us from taking the necessary action to bring about sustainable change. If we can get beyond the discomfort of not liking ourselves, we can start to focus on what is causing us to behave in ways we don’t like. Being able to sit in this discomfort, and simultaneously move to change requires us to practice self-compassion.
Ironically considered a ‘soft’ skill self-compassion is deceptively hard. It is so much easier to slide into self-criticism or self-flagellation. I don’t have to work to have those thoughts and feelings flood my mind, they come naturally, they come fast, and they come LOUDLY. They are also the reason that things got worse before they started to get better. The days following my rearview mirror moment were the furthest thing from self-compassion, and they paralyzed me.
As it turns out — you can’t hate yourself into liking yourself.
Those first few days, and possibly even those first few weeks I felt lonely, anxious, overwhelmed, and completely disconnected from my work, my family, and friends. I was lost and it wasn’t until I started to embrace self-compassion that I started to find my way again.
Compassion in its simplest form is based on the alleviation of suffering. We often see it as an externally focused practice, but it is extremely powerful when turned internally. Previously the focus of the research has been on tender self-compassion; self-kindness vs. self-judgment, common humanity vs. isolation, and mindfulness vs. over-identification. The focus of tender self-compassion is on holding and accepting yourself as an imperfect being.
Which sounds great. Logically it sounds like all of those practices are exactly what I needed to focus on in order change.
But in those moments I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. Despite all the research, despite knowing that it would help — I couldn’t do it.
I didn’t LIKE myself as I was — why would want to ACCEPT myself as I was?
It turns out I didn’t need tender self-compassion at that moment — I needed fierce self-compassion.
An evolution of Dr. Kristen Neff’s original work fierce self-compassion is all about action;
- Protecting — identifying, setting, and reinforcing boundaries and saying no to behaviours activities and people
- Providing — understanding our needs, and permitting ourselves to say yes to them
- Motivating — learning, growing, and changing those things that we don’t like or deem unacceptable.
As I started to take action and practice fierce self-compassion I was able to take a step back from the emotion and separate my self from my behaviours. The shift from having to change because I was unacceptable to changing my behaviours because they were out of alignment with my authentic self, was the perspective that I needed.
But it wasn’t the only thing that I needed. It would be nice if it was that simple. If self-compassion was the magic key to unlocking everything the story would end here, but it doesn’t. The truth is self-compassion is one skill that I needed in order to change, but it wasn’t the only one.
Leave a comment and let me know if you also struggle with self-compassion or not liking yourself at times — I know I’m not alone!!!
