The Fear of Being Seen
The Science Behind Our Struggle with Authenticity
I’ve broken a few bones in my life. Most notably after attempting to fly off a cliff on my bike like Elliot in E.T. (sans friendly alien).
I remember the experience, I remember the hospitals and the casts, I can see some faded scars, but I can’t recall the sensations associated with the breaks.
Yet, I can still clearly remember what I felt when I found out my first boyfriend cheated on me. I can feel the echo of the pain in my gut as my heart unceremoniously cratered into it.
I can distinctly recall the stabbing in my chest and the flush in my cheeks when I overheard the table of popular girls talking about how annoying I was.
Those moments — hurt. Yes there was the emotional pain, but they actually physically hurt.
But why?
Social rejection is processed in our brain just like physical pain. In 2003, Naomi Eisenberger found that the anterior cingulate cortex, a region involved in processing physical pain, also activates when we experience social exclusion. Finally providing solid scientific evidence that words can in fact, hurt you.
Words will never make us bleed. Words will never turn various shades of purple, blue, and yellow on our skin. But our experience of words — our physical reaction and the way our brain processes that experience? Sticks and stones could never even imagine.
This isn’t just a quirk of our brain; its a core feature.
Humans need other humans to survive. Our success as a species rests more in our ability to cooperate, then in our ability to compete. While ‘survival of the fittest’ is still a profound observation, it isn’t quite complete. Sometimes the ‘fittest’ are those who are able to work together to overcome challenges.
Modern conveniences have made it easier to think that we don’t need each other. Political discourse would even have some of us thinking that we would be better off apart. But the truth is we are more reliant on each other now than ever before. We don’t feel it as often, and we are able to live comfortably without acknowledging it — that is until we can’t. When our phones go down or the supply chain falters, when a distant catastrophe drives up prices at the local store, we suddenly see how interconnected we are. Our access to food, shelter, energy, and even entertainment flows from vast networks of workers, artisans, and innovators, spanning regions and cultures we might never directly interact with. All it takes is one disruption to remind us that the world we inhabit runs on the contributions of countless people, and that no individual truly stands alone.
Living in a rural area makes this even more clear: human connections matter. With fewer people around, I rely on each one more. I can think my neighbour is an idiot, but if he is the only idiot with a plow, I need that connection. Out here, cooperation doesn’t have to be deep — it can be as simple as a nod and a wave.
I learned this the hard way after breaking an unwritten rule of rural life — the nod and wave, When passing someone on the road, you lift at least two fingers off the steering wheel, give a slight nod, and wave. Smile optional. My city reflexes authentically lead to a different kind of finger — but that finger doesn’t maintain the connections needed to survive. Eventually, I got it. That nod isn’t just politeness; it’s a social contract. You may not like your neighbour, but you acknowledge them, because one day, you’ll need each other. Whether it’s pulling a car out of a ditch or sharing supplies when the highway shuts down, liking each other is optional — getting along is essential.
Our ancestors understood this even more acutely. Isolation wasn’t just lonely; it was dangerous. Evolution wired us to seek connection because exclusion meant vulnerability. Safety doesn’t always feel good — it’s not comfort, but it is comforting. It’s knowing that even if you don’t always agree with your neighbours, they’ll show up when it matters.
Rural life is less convenient than city life. Resources are scarcer, and relying on others means exposing your own needs. But real safety isn’t about avoiding discomfort — it’s about weathering it together.
Oxytocin, the brain’s bonding hormone, reinforces these connections. It’s released through touch, eye contact, or even a simple nod and wave. It calms our stress response, nudging us toward trust and cooperation. Our ancestors didn’t need research to prove it — community meant survival. And whether we notice it or not, it still does.
From Survival to Social Conditioning
As children, we learn early what earns us acceptance. Praise reinforces behaviours that align with expectations, while deviation is corrected — or even shamed. I remember distinctly being the ‘Golden Child’ — the one who could do no wrong. I wasn’t a perfect student, but I didn’t make waves. I did just well enough. My brother on the other hand could do no right. As it turns out — being a young gay man in the 90s with undiagnosed bi-polar disorder didn’t quite check the boxes of our Conservative community. I learned through him what it meant when you didn’t conform.
Over time, I become fluent in performing acceptability — adjusting, adapting, and shaping myself to fit in. These patterns became so automatic that I didn’t even recognize them as adaptations. What I did recognize was the feeling of not being quite right. Something always felt off, I was performing a version of myself. But I didn’t feel like myself.
We can confuse authenticity with consistency. We assume that who we were conditioned to be is who we are meant to be. Regardless of what that experience feels like for us. But what if authenticity is more about alignment with our core values? Then true authenticity isn’t about clinging to a static self-image — it’s about having the courage to evolve beyond it.
Defining Authenticity: Beyond “Being Yourself”
Psychologist Brian Little describes identity as an interplay between three forces:
- Biogenic identity — the traits of character wired into us biologically.
- Sociogenic identity — the parts of us shaped by cultural expectations and social conditioning.
- Ideogenic identity — the self-directed, meaning-making aspects of who we are — the choices, values, and purpose we define for ourselves.
Authenticity isn’t just about “being yourself” in a vacuum — it’s about navigating these layers. It’s about recognizing which aspects of our identity feel true to us and which are masks we’ve worn for approval. The challenge is that we don’t always know where one ends and the other begins.
We are shaped by everything from genetics to childhood conditioning, social norms, and personal choices. Peeling back these layers requires curiosity and courage. When we stop questioning, we risk living in a version of ourselves shaped by past expectations rather than present truth.
When I think back to that hazy strip club in Buenos Aires, I can see the impact of my genetics and conditioning. Instead of allowing me to fit smoothly, they made me feel disconnected and disjointed. I wasn’t feeling what I was performing. My Brazillian counterpart however appeared to be aligned. It wasn’t a performace. She just was.
Why Authenticity Feels Safer for Some Than Others
Jer Clifton’s research on Primals — the core beliefs we hold about the nature of the world — helps explain why authenticity feels more accessible to some people than others. If you see the world as a dangerous place, layering on armour makes sense. A smile becomes a shield. Silence, a strategy. But if your fundamental belief is that the world is safe and welcoming, authenticity feels like less of a risk and more of a birthright.
But authenticity isn’t just about personal courage; it’s about context. For some, being their true self in certain environments isn’t just uncomfortable — it’s unsafe. In those spaces, self-protection is wise. Authenticity isn’t about forcing vulnerability where it could cause harm but about learning to recognize where we can be fully seen and where we might need to tread carefully.
The ability to be unapologetically yourself without fear of harm, exclusion, or systemic consequences isn’t evenly distributed. Race, gender, sexuality, neurodivergence, socioeconomic status — these all shape how much of our authentic selves we can safely bring into the world. Some people are granted space to be raw, messy, and real without penalty, while others navigate a constant, exhausting calculus of when and how to show up as themselves.
This conversation goes deeper, and I’ll explore it more in a future piece. But for now, it’s worth sitting with the question: Is authenticity something you take for granted?
The Paradox of Authenticity: Effort and Essence
Here’s where it gets complicated: behaving authentically often requires effort. That might sound paradoxical — shouldn’t authenticity be effortless? When witnessing authenticity from the outside, it often looks that way. When I observed my Brazilian friend, she seemed to be unburdened. But that was my perception — I don’t know what her inner experience was. I don’t know the amount of work that she had to put in in order to appear effortless.
As Brian Little points out, authenticity sometimes demands stepping outside of our default mode to align with our deeper values and commitments. A naturally introverted leader may act extraverted to inspire their team — not as a performance, but as an authentic expression of their dedication to their mission.
Similarly, authenticity doesn’t always feel natural in the moment. It can feel uncomfortable. If we’ve spent years suppressing parts of ourselves for acceptance, reclaiming them can be terrifying. This is why authenticity requires practice — small, consistent acts of self-expression that reinforce our right to be who we truly are.
Authenticity is about integrating the different layers of identity in a way that feels in line with our values, rather than dictated by external expectations.
Authenticity and Connection: Why It Matters
Authenticity isn’t just about self-fulfillment — it’s about connection. Research in psychology repeatedly shows that authentic people build stronger relationships. When we show up as we truly are, we attract the kind of relationships that reinforce our values, rather than ones that require us to play a role.
This doesn’t mean that others have to connect and accept us as our authentic selves. It also doesn’t mean being a jerk and chalking it up to ‘just being me’. It is about discernment. Knowing how to bring out the authentic parts of ourselves that allow us to connect to the authentic parts of others.
Authenticity can be contagious: when we are authentic it gives others permission to do the same. When we witness someone being fully themselves, something shifts in us. It creates space for us to do the same. This is the gift that that beautiful Brazilian soul gave to me — she showed me what authenticity can be — and I’ve been working towards that ever since.
Takeaway
Authenticity requires unlearning years of conditioning. It’s about recognizing our masks — not just stripping them away, but understanding when they’ve served us and when they’re holding us back. It’s about making the conscious choice, again and again, to risk rejection in favour of radical self-truth.
But perhaps the most profound truth about authenticity is this: it isn’t just about knowing who we are — it’s about having the courage to become who we are meant to be. And in doing so, we create a world where others can do the same.
Citations
Social Rejection and Physical Pain
In a 2003 study, Naomi I. Eisenberger and colleagues at UCLA used functional magnetic resonance imaging (fMRI) to examine the neural correlates of social exclusion. They found that the anterior cingulate cortex (ACC), a region involved in processing physical pain, was more active during experiences of social exclusion compared to inclusion. This suggests that social rejection activates similar neural pathways as physical pain.
- Eisenberger, N. I., Lieberman, M. D., & Williams, K. D. (2003). Does Rejection Hurt? An fMRI Study of Social Exclusion. Science, 302(5643), 290–292. https://doi.org/10.1126/science.1089134
Brian Little’s Three Dimensions of Identity
Psychologist Brian Little proposes that individual identity is shaped by three interacting dimensions:
- Biogenic Identity: Traits and temperament that are biologically ingrained.
- Sociogenic Identity: Aspects of the self shaped by cultural expectations and social conditioning.
- Idiogenic Identity: Self-directed aspects, including personal choices, values, and purpose.
He emphasizes that authenticity involves navigating these layers to align with one’s core values.
- Little, B. R. (2016). Personal Projects and Free Traits: Personality and Motivation Reconsidered. https://www.brianrlittle.com/articles/%ef%bf%bcpersonal-projects-and-free-traits/#more-196
Jer Clifton’s Research on Primals
Jer Clifton’s research explores “primals,” which are deep-seated beliefs individuals hold about the world’s general characteristics. These fundamental views can significantly influence one’s behaviour and perception, including the ability to express authenticity.
- Clifton, J. D. W., Baker, J. D., Park, C. L., Yaden, D. B., Clifton, A. B. W., Terni, P., Miller, J. L., Zeng, G., Giorgi, S., Schwartz, H. A., & Seligman, M. E. P. (2019). Primal world beliefs. Psychological Assessment, 31(1), 82–99. https://doi.org/10.1037/pas0000639
Authenticity and Stronger Relationships
Research in psychology indicates that authenticity is linked to stronger and more satisfying relationships. For instance, a study by Gillath et al. (2010) found that individuals with higher levels of authenticity tend to have lower attachment anxiety and avoidance, which are associated with healthier relationship dynamics.
- Gillath, O., Sesko, A. K., Shaver, P. R., & Chun, D. S. (2010). Authenticity and Attachment in Adult Romantic Relationships. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 98(5), 872–886. https://doi.org/10.1037/a0019268
Additionally, research by Brunell et al. (2010) demonstrated that authenticity in relationships is positively correlated with relationship satisfaction for both partners. Authentic individuals are more likely to engage in open communication, express their true feelings, and foster trust, all of which contribute to stronger relational bonds.
- Brunell, A. B., Kernis, M. H., Goldman, B. M., Heppner, W., Davis, P., Cascio, E. V., & Webster, G. D. (2010). Dispositional Authenticity and Romantic Relationship Functioning. Personality and Individual Differences, 48(8), 900–905. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.paid.2010.02.018
Authenticity Creates Space for Others to Be Authentic
Research in psychology indicates that authenticity can foster an environment where others feel empowered to express their true selves. This phenomenon aligns with the concept of social contagion, where behaviours and attitudes spread within a group. For instance, research suggests that positive behaviors, such as generosity and authenticity, can propagate through social networks, influencing others to act similarly. The “three degrees of influence” theory further demonstrates that an individual’s behaviours and emotions can affect their friends, their friends’ friends, and even their friends’ friends’ friends. This implies that authentic behaviour by one person can ripple through their social network, encouraging authenticity in others.
- Christakis, N. A., & Fowler, J. H. (2009). Connected: The Surprising Power of Our Social Networks and How They Shape Our Lives. Little, Brown, and Company.
- Fowler, J. H., & Christakis, N. A. (2008). Dynamic Spread of Happiness in a Large Social Network: Longitudinal Analysis Over 20 Years in the Framingham Heart Study. BMJ, 337, a2338. https://doi.org/10.1136/bmj.a2338
