Maybe Nice Guys Do Finish Last.
And Maybe They Should.
Note: The following is a review of “Do Nice Guys Really Finish Last?”, an episode of The Psychology Podcast hosted by Scott Barry Kaufman (Kaufman, 2024). This review is based on my opinion and reaction and is not meant to call out any individual in particular. You can listen to the original podcast episode here: Do Nice Guys Really Finish Last?.
I should have known better.
The twist in my belly started the second I saw the words “Nice Guy” in the title. But against my better judgment, I hit play. The first snow of the season had hit — hard and heavy. I had a long morning of shovelling ahead of me, and I needed something to pass the time, something thought-provoking to accompany the physical grind.
Instead, I fell for the ‘Nice Guy’ shtick. Again.
I should blame the algorithm for even offering it to me. I understand why the it thought that this would be right up my alley. It hit all the notes that would usually mean a successful suggestion. But like me the algorithm was duped by a ‘nice guy’ presenting one way — and then changing the moment you start listening. I’ve been exploring the concept of Kindness (and playing with the idea of ‘Ferocious’ Kindness), and the more I tumble down the rabbit hole, the more I see how vastly different “kind” and “nice” really are — and how often they’re misconstrued. I should have known better — I went in hoping for kind — and ended up in a ‘nice’ trap.
The difference between nice and kind is one that that I am intimately familiar with. I distinctly remember the feeling of being accused of being ‘too nice’. The full body resentment I felt each time it was levelled at me — especially when it came from someone that I was romantically interested in. It is only on reflection — and a LOT of personal growth that I can understand what they were trying to tell me. ‘Nice’ was what I was trying to present in order to get what I wanted from them. What I wanted was connection. I wanted to be seen, appreciated and valued. I thought that if I was nice enough it would make it impossible for people to reject me — after all — I was nice.
What I didn’t realize then — and what this podcast clearly still doesn’t — is that nice and kind are not the same thing. Nice is a performance, a calculated effort to win approval or affection, often laced with an unspoken expectation. Kindness, on the other hand, is genuine. It comes from a place of integrity and empathy, with no strings attached. Kindness doesn’t seek validation; it seeks connection for its own sake. The irony is that in my attempt to avoid rejection by being ‘nice,’ I was rejecting my own authenticity — and others could feel it.
So when I saw that The Psychology Podcast by Scott Barry Kaufman was setting out to answer the ‘do nice guys finish last’ question — I ignored the twist in my gut and hit the play button anyway. I was hopeful for a refreshing take, something to inspire my shovelling.
It only took from my front door to the sidewalk for me to realize I’d been duped.
Less then three minutes in and I was hit with the ‘Nice Guy Paradox’. AKA a self proclaimed ‘nice guy’ bemoaning the injustice of women’s choices in sexual partners. With snow piling up and layers of winter gear between me and my phone, I was stuck with yet another ‘nice guy’ narrative that blamed women for their dearth of sexual partners.
Kaufman’s podcast dropped on November 14. Nine days earlier, podcaster Nick Fuentes celebrated Trump’s re-election with a vile “Your body, my choice. Forever” proclamation. While Kaufman’s work is nowhere near Fuentes’ vitriol, the shared undertone — women’s choices under scrutiny — was impossible to ignore.
I’m not conflating Kaufman with Fuentes, to be clear. But the distance between the evidence Kaufman presents and the beliefs that drive Fuentes feels uncomfortably short — shorter than the stretch of sidewalk I still had to shovel.
There are plenty of reasons I should have listened to my initial gut reaction. I’m not the only woman who has a visceral reaction to that phrase. How many of us have been stuck in a situation where the nice guy mask slips at the first sign of a “no”? How many of us have struggled to tell that story, only to be told that we must be lying because after all — he’s a nice guy. How many of us have questioned our own actions because the nice guy couldn’t possibly do any wrong?
Too many.
I even questioned myself when writing this — maybe I took it the wrong way. Maybe I was biased. Maybe I heard it wrong. How can I even dare to call in Scott Barry Kaufman? A man in my field with far more accolades and more influence then I could ever even imagine. A man who appears to be a ‘nice guy’?
So I forced myself to listen again. Just to be sure — I was right the first time.
Kaufman’s podcast claims that, “While women say they are looking for a kind, considerate, emotionally available man, what they actually choose is the bad boy.”
First of all — ew. Women do not choose “boys.” Let’s start there. The constant framing of a nice guy vs a bad boy is subtle — but it’s gross. It demeans not only the women supposedly choosing ‘boys’, but also infantilizes the men that are characterized as ‘bad boys’.
Secondly, is this statement even accurate? To back up his claim, Kaufman draws from the renowned science magazine Mademoiselle (Spring, 1997) and gentleman/scholar Curtis Smith, known for his solid advice on ‘Dealing with Insecure Women’ and ‘Why Do Beautiful Women Date Ugly Men’ on the website AskMen (in case you didn’t know, a website is a place on the internet where information is kept. This one is a place where people can go to learn what men think about various topics).
Some high quality research there — so obviously it must be true.
Then, hope. Brief, fleeting hope. Kaufman shifts to actual research. Specifically, Buss and Barnes’ (1986) paper on Preferences in Human Mate Selection, in which ‘kindness’ emerged as one of the most desirable traits in a long-term partner. A finding replicated in many studies since.
For a moment, I thought the conversation would pivot to the difference between a ‘nice’ guy and a ‘kind’ one. Why self-proclaimed nice guys aren’t getting the results they want in the dating world, while kind guys clearly are. But just as quickly, my hope was crushed by the tired trope: “…but bad guys still get to sleep with more women.”
And there it was. Disappointment. Frustration. Exhaustion. Why have we spent so long questioning women’s choices in sexual partners? Why stigmatize and belittle men who have traits associated with personality disorders? And why was someone respected in Positive Psychology reinforcing these outdated, shallow narratives?
Then anger. “Women portray themselves as wanting kind, sensitive men,” Kaufman says, as if we’re pretending. As if we don’t know what we really want. The implication? Women are confused, or worse, deceitful about our preferences. It’s not just patronizing — it’s dehumanizing. It says women’s choices need to be explained, fixed, or second-guessed.
No wonder we can’t make decisions about our own bodies — if only we’d sleep with the ‘nice guy,’ we wouldn’t even need abortions.
If the repeated questioning of women’s choices wasn’t enough to fuel my anger, Kaufman’s exasperated tone pushed me over the edge.
After presenting evidence that women didn’t choose to sleep with ‘nice guys’ — “Ouch”, and found them less attractive — “Double ouch”.
It became abundantly clear that he identifies as a ‘nice guy’ — and that he is…frustrated.
The ‘bad guy’ Kaufman compares himself and all other ‘nice guys’ with often displays traits of the Dark Triad:
- Narcissism: Grandiosity, pride, egotism, and lack of empathy.
- Machiavellianism: Manipulativeness, moral indifference, and calculated self-interest.
- Psychopathy: Antisocial behavior, impulsivity, and lack of remorse.
THIS is the ‘bad guy’ Kaufamn has so much distain for? The fact that someone in the field of psychology is so comfortable with stigmatizing individuals with personality disorders aside — the so-called ‘nice guy’ isn’t so different. When niceness comes with strings attached, it’s just narcissism in a sweater vest, Machiavellianism masked as manners, and psychopathy disguised as politeness. It’s not ‘nice’; it’s manipulation — a performance designed to elicit compliance and reward. And when that reward doesn’t come, the mask slips, revealing the entitlement beneath — Triple Ouch.
What’s worse is how cultural narratives continue to fuel this false dichotomy between ‘nice guys’ and ‘bad boys.’ With women the hapless pawns fooled into making the ‘wrong’ choice. Pop culture paints the ‘nice guy’ as a misunderstood hero, perpetuating the idea that persistence and performative niceness should guarantee romantic success. But this isn’t connection — it’s coercion. And it’s well past time we stopped celebrating it.
I debated writing this piece. I figured if I did write it, it would land in my drafts and stay there for eternity. But then Kaufman dropped this line — and I knew I had to speak up:
“Nice guys do finish last… where it really counts… in the bedroom.”
At this point, I’d rage-shoveled my sidewalk — and both my neighbours’. I suppose I should be grateful for the productivity boost, but instead, I was just done. Done with the podcast. Done with the narrative. Done with the endless attempts to police and pathologize women’s choices.
Maybe nice guys do finish last. And maybe that’s exactly where they belong. Maybe if self-proclaimed ‘nice guys’ spent less time bemoaning their perceived losses and more time cultivating genuine kindness — without keeping score — they’d realize no one wins a game that shouldn’t exist in the first place. Relationships aren’t about points or power plays — they’re about connection.
The truth is, the ‘nice guy’ routine doesn’t fail because women are confused or incapable — it fails because we’ve learned to see it for what it really is: a self-serving act, wrapped in entitlement, that collapses the moment it’s exposed.
So maybe it’s time to stop asking if nice guys finish last. Maybe the real question is: what would happen if they stopped treating it as a game altogether? What if they stepped off the high-horse, dropped the act, and started showing up — not as ‘nice,’ but as kind? Only then might they realize that kindness isn’t about finishing first or last. It’s about showing up fully, honestly, and without expectation. And that’s the only way anyone truly wins.
