Are You a Spiritual Narcissist?
The potential of spiritual practices isn’t always the reality.
Despite what Instagram feeds might show, completing a 30-day yoga challenge or attending a weekend meditation retreat doesn’t quite turn someone into an enlightened guru. Practices that when done correctly and with the proper motivation quiet our egos, can actually amplify our focus on ourselves and self-enhancement when done haphazardly.
Gary Vaynerchuk spreads an incredible message of living an authentic life and letting go of others' expectations and judgments. He claims this as one of the biggest keys to his success in life and in business. To do this requires us to quiet the voice in our heads that longs for external praise — our ego. He isn’t wrong, people who have quiet egos do experience greater levels of connection, productivity, growth, health, and well-being, it’s just not as easy to accomplish as he makes it seem. Unfortunately, our ego is obsessed with being seen in a positive light and desperately clings to external approval. GaryVee is the latest embodiment of a very old very human quest — to separate our self from our ego.
The question isn’t so much about if quieting our ego is a worthy quest, but how we can accomplish it. Thankfully there are a few multimillion-dollar industries ready and waiting to free us from our egos. The Yoga industry made 11.56 billion USD in revenue in 2020, and the Mindfulness/Meditation industry is projected to grow to 9.0 billion USD by 2027. Both make impressive promises. Not only can you reduce your stress or anxiety, but you can also have better relationships, greater success at work, become a greater parent, sleep better, eat better, have better sex, make more money, be more physically fit, and just be happier.
The Instagram feeds of people who are adherents to these practices seem to, at least anecdotally, confirm these claims.
But, as with most things on social media, not all is as it seems.
In the realm of the spiritual narcissist.
The type of narcissism that can be a result of misguided spiritual practices isn’t quite the same as the narcissism that we are used to hearing about. While some people might show the grandiosity, entitlement, and power that is characteristic of a traditional narcissist, more often the spiritual narcissist exhibits what has recently been identified as ‘communal narcissism’. A grandiose narcissist wants to be seen as the most powerful, or the smartest. A communal narcissist wants to be seen as the most helpful, the most giving, or the kindest. The self-serving motives are the same — but the behaviors are very different.
Spiritual practices, despite having incredible potential, can result in self-enhancement, illusory superiority, closed-mindedness, and hedonism (clinging to positive experiences) under the guise of alleged ‘higher’ values.
- Vonk & Vasser, 2020
In a recently published study, Roos Vonk and Anouk Visser (2020), took a deep dive into modern-day spiritual practices and their enthusiasts. It turns out that our ego is a formidable foe that is deceptively difficult to quiet.
They observed that as people progressed in their spiritual practices often their self-esteem became contingent upon perceived ‘success’ in the spiritual realm. As a lived experience this boost to self-esteem feels good and so naturally we want to do more of it. The hedonistic pleasure of this positive view of ourselves keeps us inextricably connected with our ego and primed to defend that feeling no matter the cost. The more money we spend, or the more external praise we get for the outcomes of our practice — the more our ego becomes attached to our practice.
We see this constantly as influencers, and even those closest to us, use their spiritual practice as a sort of ‘one-upmanship’. Who has the most dedicated practice, who gets up earlier, and who meditates for longer? It’s no longer about the practice, it’s about being the best at it, and convincing everyone we know that they should do it also. All of this serves to boost the ego instead of quietening it, and even worse we begin to base a lot of our identity on our new ‘enlightened’ selves.
We can decieve ourselves into thinking we are developing spiritually when instead we are strengthening our egocentricity through spiritual technique.
- Chögyam Trungpa
In his book on Spiritual Materialism, Chögyam Trungpa warns of the devious nature of the ego. Lying in wait for its opportunity to capitalize on our newly awakened knowledge for its own survival and benefit. In the case of many of the commodified versions of spiritual practices, it doesn’t have to wait long.
The purported benefits of these practices could be one of the biggest reasons for failure. Instead of allowing us to get more in touch with reality in the here and now, we enter into these practices to change the now and the future. Placing the outcomes of the practice before the practice itself changes the trajectory from the freedom of transcendence to the chains of spiritual superiority. The more that we focus on the outcomes, benefits, and how we feel because of our practice — the more enmeshed our ego becomes with that practice.
Am I a Spiritual Narcissist?
Vonk and Visser (2020) developed a few scales to help them better identify spiritual superiority and self-enhancement in individuals. These scales included statements such as;
- I am aware of things that others are not aware of
- When I notice spiritual development I feel better about myself
- The world would be a better place if others too had the insights I have now
- I am more in touch with my body than others
People who agreed with these statements tended to be more ego-driven and narcissistic, some even self-identifying as being a spiritual guide.
If you find yourself agreeing with any of those statements, don’t worry — this really just means that you are human and like all humans have factory flaws. That’s the part that people like Gary Vaynerchuk miss when they expound on the benefits of quietening the ego. Our overemphasis on the benefits we hope to gain place us too far in the future from our current reality. We feel like imposters within our own practice. The more we focus on trying to distance our self from our ego the harder our ego holds on for survival.
Is true transcendence possible?
Given our very human tendency to place ourselves at the center of everything, do we have a hope of a quiet ego?
According to Scott Barry Kaufman and his book Transcend, the answer is ‘yes, but, … ’. He indicates that the first step is recognizing that quietening the ego is a difficult task, one that might be best approached by not approaching it at all. Healthy transcendence is “not about leaving any parts of ourselves or anyone else behind or singularly rising above the rest of humanity”. Instead, he suggests that growth comes from doing the activity of the practice for the practice itself, not for its purported benefits.
So how do we actually accomplish healthy transcendence if our ego is as sneaky as it is?
Acknowledging that our ego is a part of us is a good start, but it isn’t enough on its own. We need to get out of our heads and into our actions. Focus on the practice itself instead of on its impact or your influence. You can accomplish this by switching up how you talk to yourself about your practice — from person or outcome praise to process praise (see the pic for examples).
Try journaling about the challenges that you are facing in the practice and what are you are learning through the process. Before you share about your practice ask yourself why you want to share — where is the motivation coming from? When you talk to people about your practice focus on the practice itself and not necessarily the benefits you are experiencing. This doesn’t mean you can’t enjoy the benefits you are experiencing — it simply means that they should not be the focus of your practice.
The benefits of being able to accept yourself as you are, ego and all, are worth the risk of spiritual narcissism. It is possible to enjoy the benefits without expanding your ego so long as you follow the wisdom of Ice Cube: “check yo self before you wreck yo self”.
Key Take-Aways
Spiritual practices such as yoga and meditation have the potential for many positive benefits that stem from the quietening of the ego. Unfortunately, the benefits of these practices have been commodified and overemphasized resulting in a sense of spiritual superiority or spiritual narcissism. An individual's sense of self and self-esteem becomes enmeshed in their practice and their ego becomes inflated instead of quiet.
This can be avoided by:
- Being aware of the nature of the ego and its ability to co-opt growth.
- Focusing on process praise over the outcome or person praise.
- Journaling about the challenges and learning you are experiencing, again focusing on what strengths and skills you had to rely on to overcome them.
- When talking about your practice and its benefits — ask yourself why you want to share?
- Recognize and enjoy the benefits of the practice as a result of your effort, not as a sign of ‘success’.
- Listening to Ice Cube.
References
Vonk R, Visser A. An exploration of spiritual superiority: The paradox of self-
enhancement. Eur J Soc Psychol. 2020;00:1–14.
